Misadventures of Kuja
by Mariposa-Princessa
Summary: Ever feel like the universe is out to get you? Kuja does. One day, while walking down the street, guess what happens...he gets attacked by fangirls, of course! -
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_I'd like to dedicate this story to one of my best friends. Boss, this is for you. _

Titania and Aza were sitting at a cafe in a town somewhere in modern-day America, talking whimsically of the future.

Titania, a strawberry blond girl about sixteen, was texting as she talked.

"No, I'm just saying that, when you rule the world, just give me the Caribbean to rule, and I'll be fine."

Aza smirked maliciously as she readjusted her ponytail of electric blue hair.

"Who says you're getting the Caribbean? Minions don't dictate their countries. They get what they get and be happy."

Titania huffed and snapped her phone shut. "And I thought we were close."

"We are," Aza shrugged. "I'll give you Australia."

"But I don't want Australia."

"It's either that or Antarctica."

"You're cold."

"No, Antarctica is."

"Very funny."

"I sure thought so," Aza replied as she returned to her soup.

Titania sat bolt upright in her seat.

"Did you see that?"

"What?"

But Titania wasn't listening. She ran from the chair, knocking it down in the process. Aza looked after her friend, sighed, and followed, albeit a slower pace.

"What's got you so excited?" she asked.

Titania was panting with a wide smile on her face and that hooded look in her eyes of pure passion. She laughed from her throat, and Aza backed away.

"Okay," she said slowly.

Titania raised her left hand and pointed. Aza followed and gasped.

There he was. The most delicious man in the world. His flowing white hair was unmistakable, as was the feathers placed delicately at one side.

"I saw him first," Titania breathed. She began inching forward ahead of her friend.

"Oh, no you don't," Aza pushed her down and began to run.

"Hey," Titania scrambled up from her sidewalk and raced after Aza. Her phone was left unattended on the ground. Poor expensive thing.

---

Kuja was, for once, enjoying himself. No Zidane or Garland or crazy Queens to bother him. And no stupid Black Mages or idiotic twin clowns either. Life was wonderful. That is, until he heard pounding footsteps from behind.

_What now? _He turned but was pounced upon and knocked to the ground. Kuja felt his head hit the sidewalk. He hoped that he wouldn't bleed; his hair would be ruined. But considering whoever had just tackled him had her (or his; it had happened before) lips pressed to his, Kuja really couldn't check. So instead, he gathered the power of Thundara in his left hand and shot his attacker right off of him.

He sat up and had just shaken his locks behind him when another body knocked him to the ground.

_Maybe dealing with Zidane and Garland wasn't this trying..._Or surprising, at least he knew what to expect from those two. Kuja sighed inwardly as the second pair of lips pressed against him; what had he done to deserve this? Oh, wait...

Deciding he didn't like the answer to the question, Kuja gathered Thundara once more in his fist and blew the second body away. He stood and dusted his clothes off. Kuja flicked back a stray lock and twitched his tail. It didn't hurt too bad, at least not enough to get amputated. Damn.

Kuja cast an eye over his assailants. Females, about sixteen years old. Typical. Kuja rolled his eyes. Wasn't Zidane supposed to deal with females this age? Kuja was distasteful of any woman not out of their teenage years ever since having to deal with that gullible princess. Kuja touched the back of his head gingerly. Good, no blood. He had just turned his back upon the teenagers when he heard one groan and stand.

"You might as well leave," Kuja said. "It would be pointless to continuously have your insides electrocuted."

"As long as it's by you..." the girl began.

"We really don't care," the other finished.

Great. Those types; Kuja shook his head. He still hadn't quite mastered to rid himself of people that passionate about him.

Knowing that it would be useless to keep walking, Kuja turned to face the fangirls.

"I have no qualms about killing both of you right where you stand," he said. But much to his displeasure they began inching toward him like he was a skittish cat.

"C'mon, Kuja, I have exactly what you need," the girl with coppery hair crooned. Her eyebrow twitched slightly.

"No, don't listen to her," the other one purred. "I can run all night long for you if that's what it takes."

"You can pet my fur if I can stroke yours," the redhead had her eyes half-closed. Maybe killing them would be useless. Kuja didn't want the undead chasing him.

"Ladies, please, no need to act this way," Kuja said as he began weaving the spell for teleportation in his mind. Maybe the Chocobo Forest would be a more suitable place for solitude. .

The blue haired girl had a suspicious look on her face, as if she knew what Kuja was up to. She began to run for him but just as she was leaping, Kuja barked the final word to the spell and disappeared.

---

Aza fell into the sidewalk face-first. She had almost had him. Stupid magic.

"Where'd he go?" Titania pouted. She stopped tip-toeing to help her friend up.

"Who knows," Aza muttered. She rubbed at her face but ended up only smearing the dirt.

"What was all that about?'_I'll run all night long for you'_. Please," Titania scoffed. She pushed Aza gently. Her friend grinned.

"I dunno, tell me Miss 'stroke my fur and I'll pet yours'. Talk about pathetic."

The two collapsed into helpless fits of laughter. Eventually they staggered back to the outdoors cafe where they had been eating.

"So back to world domination," Aza began.

"Whoa, wait a minute. Where's my phone?" Titania began patting all about her body as she stood to check under the table and chairs.

"Why in the heck would I know where your phone is?"

"Just help me find it."

It would be several hours before the two teens would give up looking for the lost cellphone.

---

Somewhere far away, Kuja was reclining on a hammock he had conjured up. Now this was the life. No living things other than the trees to bother him. To hell with world domination, hormone crazed teens, and the whole blasted deal.

"Hellooo, Kujie, dear," came a lilting female voice. Kuja froze but kept his eyes closed. Great. He had forgotten about those crazy forest sprites. Guess there was nothing left to do but go to the Desert Palace. He _knew_no one could possibly get him there. Kuja began the incantation all over again and did his best to ignore the alluring smells the wood sprites had. Maybe later, when he actually felt like gracing others with his presence.

He was in his bed before he knew it. Kuja curled over on his side but came face to face with Quina.

"Hello, Kuja, did you miss me?" s/he whispered. The great tongue flopped as it spoke.

Now it was official. This whole blasted universe and beyond hated him,

---

­­"So, who d'we got, Puck?" Zidane whispered. He and the Burmecian prince were crouched in an alley just around the corner from the two teenagers who had assaulted Kuja.

"Lemme see, Sally, Lauren, Danielle..." Puck continued scrolling down through the Address book. "Nope, they don't know Lady or Trish either. Are you sure that Vivi teleported us to the right place?"

"Well, I thought so anyway," Zidane snatched the phone away from Puck and began scrolling the list himself. Just to make sure, of course.

"Maybe we should just have him take us to Ivalice. We know exactly where to go there."

"Hmm." was the thief's reply.

"I would really like to get myself 'acquainted' with some of those viera," Puck rubbed his hands and sniggered.

"You wouldn't stand a chance against them," Zidane gave up and tossed the phone over his shoulder. "You're way too obnoxious."

Puck rolled his eyes. "So what? I bring a little spice to their life."

Zidane rolled his eyes and stood. "More like lemon juice. You'd break their eardrums with your shrieky voice."

Puck also stood, and he balled his fists in challenge. "I do NOT have a shrieky voice. C'mon you and me, right here, right now."

Zidane sighed and picked up Puck by the scruff of his neck. "I don't think so." He left the alley for the cafe. Vivi would be waiting inside, and Zidane really wanted to get back to Lindbulm for his date with Garnet.

---

Aza stopped searching for a second. A blond boy only a little older than her had just walked past, carrying what seemed to be a large rat with clothes.

"Was that---?" she began.

"Be quiet, Aza, my phone's gotta be here somewhere."

"But I could swear that that was---"

"Aza, please," Titania looked up from her place by the trash can. "There are lives at stake here. Mainly mine."

"Oh, please," Aza shook her head and bent back down to look under a bench. Titania was such a drama queen

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n**: okay, i just couldn't resist continuing this, its just too funny. For me at least. But i need other ways to torture kuja...any ideas?

* * *

"What in the name of all that is evil and beautiful are you doing in my bed you---?!" Kuja was standing up on his side of the bed. He stared dejectedly at the thing before him.

"But you sent me flowers, they were delicious. In Qu clan, you send someone something delicious, you love them."

"But I---?" Flowers? FLOWERS? He had never sent anyone flowers in his life. Well, there was that time in that other universe. What was the name? Rheno? Rhino?

"So when's the wedding?" the Qu asked.

"Wedd--?" Kuja pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. He didn't feel like dealing with this today. He'd teleport, but he didn't have the energy. If only his blasted airship hadn't been stolen. How dare those thieves take what wasn't his!

_As long as nothing else happens, I'll just lock the insignificant blob in here. I'll sleep in the library._

"Kuja?"

"Hmm."

"When will you bed with me?"

"Bed with---" Bah, he didn't have the strength to hear, or even taste, another word. Kuja flicked back his hair and strode out. By the time the Qu had figured out how to open the door, he should be rested and long gone.

Kuja slammed the door behind him and quickly pressed the lever that would lock the door both inside and out. Not even Zidane could break in now. Kuja took a breath of relief, and made his way down to the library.

---

Eiko giggled.

_Kuja's so easy to mess with._

Eiko reached up her arms and pushed off the Quina head. It fell to the floor with a thump, and scared the frogs in their terrium by the window.

Eiko began to wiggle herself out of the costume. She had left her wings back in her bedroom in Lindbulm just so she could fit into the costume. Eiko hadn't thought about getting back out.

"Oomm, mmph." She succeeded in getting her arms out of the Quina arms, and her shoulders above the opening but nothing more. Stupid costume.

"Well, at least its better than sitting in the castle watching her make goo-goo eyes at his picture," Eiko muttered. "And listening to Puck talk about his adventures." She snorted and imagined tying the stupid prince up and leaving him hanging upside down over the entrance to the lift.

Eiko laughed.

"That'd teach 'im." Eiko wiggled slightly and loosened a few more inches out of the costume.

"Can't wait to get out of this thing." Who's idea was it anyway to dress up in a Quina suit and sneak into Kuja's waiting room.

Oh, right, Amarant's. She should've known better.

---

Kuja opened the door to his library. Books had always somehow been able to calm him down. Even when he was with Garland, books were his greatest comfort. Other than the mirror, of course. He paused and straighted the feathers in his hair and brushed down his clothes. After all he had been through today, Kuja was lucky his flawless face hadn't broken out.

"'Bout time you got here," came a hoarse voice.

_What is is this time? _Kuja turned and groaned at the sight.

There he was, that random red-haired bounty hunter who had joined up with Zidane. Only Kuja never expected him to be here of all places. In his underwear no less.

_Why was I cursed with such beauty? _Kuja sighed inwardly

---

"What are you doing?" Zidane asked.

Garnet was lying the couch of the bedroom she shared with Eiko whenever she visited. For a king, Cid was pretty stingy.

"Reading," Garnet replied.

She was wearing her usual traveling clothes. You can't fight monsters in a dress, she said. Though why she'd travel by foot instead of airship was beyond Zidane's comprehension. Then again, she had guards and the like to fall back on. Not to mention that gold chocobo Zidane had given to her.

"So," Zidane put his hands behind his head. "Where d'you want to go?"

Garnet shrugged and kept reading. Zidane opened his mouth to speak, but someone burst open the door and came tripping up the the stairs. Vivi, most likely.

"Zidane?" Vivi began.

"Not now, Vivi," Zidane waved his hands away. Hadn't he told Puck specifically not to let anyone bother him while with Garnet? Stupid little prince couldn't be counted on for anything.

"No,Zidane, its Eiko, she's missing, and Cid wants your help finding her."

Garnet put her book down. Zidane was going to use this opportunity to talk more with her, but Vivi interrupted.

"So, will you help him?"

Garnet looked steadily at Zidane before he sighed. Guess he wasn't going to get that date after all.

"Yeah, I guess so. Where's he now?"

Vivi readjusted his hat. What would happen if it ever fell off anyway?

"The meeting room, Freya's there."

"Why in the hell does he need me when he has Freya?" Zidane ruffled his hair and stretched. He looked over to Garnet.

"Care to join me?"

"Sure," she shrugged. "Why not?"

---

_You know, Kuja's kind of cute when he's mad._

So thought Amarant, as he looked up and down the sleek physique of the sorcerer before him. The man had a look of a pouty nobleman. He had marble like skin, and impossibly white hair...

No, that's not why he was here. Albeit, his was in his underwear, but that was for a different reason altogether.

"What are you doing here?" Kuja asked. He crossed his arms, and Amarant could just barely see the hints of a tail swishing under his robes.

"I've been sent here on a mission, one that involves another universe." Though why I'm consorting with demonic women is beyond me. That's that stupid monkey's job.

"Not this again," Kuja sweeped his hand as he turned his back on his visitor. "Look all I want is to nap. I don't want some empty-headed human with nothing better to do bothering me. And I'm not going to save any world. Even though you can't tell, I am in the buisness of taking over worlds. Go to Zidane."

Amarant almost laughed.

"No, this is definitely not about saving worlds," he said.

But just then Beatrix walked through the front door to the library, Amarant's clothes in arm.

_Finally. _Amarant shifted his legs to get up.

But Kuja had an altogether different reaction.


End file.
